We recently allowed a teenage girl to stay in our home for a night while we figured out a solution to her abusive home life situation. You could say she “joined the small group in our house.” Everything about her was different than us. She was different in age, race, socio-economic status, and culture. So as you might imagine, it didn’t take long for us to get into awkward situations that we saw very differently.
One situation involved us sitting at the table and brainstorming a to-do list for her to get ready to move out of her home and be on her own. We were working on the list and I was thinking out loud and talking through one of the checklist items that would help her out.
About 5 seconds into it, my thought processes got interrupted. She had gotten on her phone, went to a social media app, and starting playing videos…with the sound on!…while I was talking and trying to help her!
Why in the world did she think that was acceptable behavior? I didn’t know her well enough to confront her about it yet. But to her, that kind of behavior was “normal.”
To join a small group, what’s acceptable interaction?
No matter when or where we join a small group, there are certain norms that we adhere to (spoken or unspoken) that serve as the boundaries for what respectful interaction is. Without those boundaries in place, anything goes. And when things do happen, there’s nothing to refer back to in dealing with the situations that may arise.
Everyone has simply defined for themselves what it means to join the small group they’re in. For some, that definition may be “If what you’re saying is not interesting enough to me, I’m going to turn my attention to something I personally find more interesting.”
When those definitions are different, it’s impossible for a group to contain the 10 characteristics of healthy churches and small groups. Groups end up simply being made up of clusters of individuals that think alike and have the same definitions of what it means to join the small group.
Without agreements in place of what constitutes respectful interaction, there’s no hope for unity in diversity, the key characteristic of healthy churches and small groups. We’ll simply gather in groups that think like us.
Having experienced these, I believe that if everyone in a church or small group agrees to and holds each other accountable to them, it will unlock something beautiful beyond what you’ve ever experienced.
It will unlock the mystery of the ages (Colossians 1:26-27).
Agreements to use as starting points
So what I’d like to do here is outline a sample group of agreements that can be used as a baseline for each person to join a small group. These are things that, if agreed to (and executed) by the group, will result in healthy relationships, interaction and discussion.
We will arrange ourselves physically and relationally according to the truth of who we are spiritually.
If we’re to experience the church as God designed it to be, we must take on the shape physically and relationally that God designed it to be. The shape is not rows staring at the back of people’s necks looking at a stage. There are times and places for that, but not as consistent and frequent church or small group interaction.
Here’s what The Circle Way: A Leader In Every Chair says about the shape that promotes those characteristics we want to emerge…
By its simple shape, circle includes everyone without distinction, welcomes and invites all to participate, and creates equality among those gathered. Don’t assume for a single minute that you can mix up or ignore the form. It’s the most essential element to consider and predictive of the outcomes.
When people are asked to attend discussions that are loose, undefined and spontaneous, frustration arises. Too many meetings end without anything of real substance happening. If everyone is clear on these things, meetings and participation will become more productive.
We will be clear on why we’re being invited, what the focus is, and what’s required of us.
When people are asked to attend discussions that are loose, undefined and spontaneous, frustration arises. Too many meetings end without anything of real substance happening. If everyone is clear on these things, meetings and participation will become more productive.
We will personally prepare to engage in and contribute to the purpose of each discussion.
For a group discussion to be as productive as it can be, each participant needs to prepare to be ready to both give their contributions and receive others’ contributions as they relate to the group’s purpose for meeting. When people free load, it breaks the circle and inhibits the body of Christ from functioning as it was designed to.
We will listen attentively to each person’s contributions and look for the essence of how it’s moving the group toward its purpose.
A group that judges each other for how they think and feel will not last long. A group that listens with curiosity and compassion (even if a person is wrong) suspends judgmental thoughts and explores the issues together until they arrive at conclusions (which could take multiple discussions).
We will keep an attitude of collaboration rather than competition.
People will often come to meetings with an internalized competitive edge, even if they don’t mean to. This usually stems from self-esteem issues and simply being affected by the culture of competition we live in. Groups can’t develop in unity if people are trying to one-up each other.
We will keep our focus on knowing one another better.
When the goal of one’s participation is to be right or to be seen and heard or to be validated, or whatever, it doesn’t lead to the outcomes we desire. Instead, we can use our thoughts, feelings and stories to get to know one another better. When we do that, we come to better conclusions, decisions and commitments.
We will understand leadership as a temporary authority given by permission to steward the group process that rotates.
Seeing leadership in this way assumes that everyone in the group may be leading at some time in the process. Instead of asking “Who’s in charge?,” we ask “How are we in charge?” and “How are we not in charge?” This facilitates the emergence of what we’re looking for – how the group will fulfill its intention together.
We will assume increments of leadership to help the group accomplish its purpose.
No matter what role each person is playing in a discussion, the fact that they’re a part of it means they’re a resource for the group to accomplish it’s purpose. Each person will take ownership of their role as a participant and lead in the ways they can contribute.
We will share the responsibility for contributing what needs doing or saying next.
In healthy groups, you never really know where the next piece of the puzzle is going to come from. Every person will watch for what needs doing or saying next and make their contribution. They will wait for the moment that they understand what to contribute and then not hold back.
We will consider the impact of our words and actions before, during, and after we speak.
This means each person is constantly considering how their words and actions are contributing to what the group is trying to accomplish. While we contribute what we can, we can’t respond to every impulse to contribute. We need a kind of impulse control as we consciously self-monitor (not self-censor) whether our contribution connects to the larger conversation and is something the group needs.
We will pay attention to our personal thoughts and feelings while attaching our personal intention to the group intention in the center.
For a church or small group to have healthy discussion, they have to focus on how the group as a whole is accomplishing its purpose. This means they rely on the center while holding their place on the rim of the circle. The center houses collective intention and is where the Lord’s voice and direction is found.
We will address tension or conflict with neutral language.
Conflict needs to be viewed as a good thing that is a necessary part of sacrificing together and for one another to find what the Lord has for the group. You must go through the cross to get to real life. But you only go through the cross with grace, gentleness and humility; seeking solutions the Lord has without bias, that align with Kingdom principles and include everyone.
We will keep personal material shared confidential.
When people open up to others within the confines of a trusted group, they may not want their personal stories and issues spread outside the group. Even if someone thinks they’re being helpful, it’s typically appropriate to get permission from each person who shares personal information. This boundary will build community as the boundaries of the circle are kept tight.
We will listen for what the Lord is saying through the group as a whole.
The Circle Way explains…
It’s like working together on a jigsaw puzzle, piecing our knowledge, wisdom and passion together into a coherent sense of what is going on and how we can respond. As people talk, ideas link up and synergy builds.
We will summarize big ideas and paths for moving forward as a group by consensus.
Not everyone will have the exact degree of enthusiasm for every action or decision a group comes to. But it should be required that each person approves the action or is willing to support the action. Only then can a group speak of its actions as “we.”
We will stay open to pausing and re-centering ourselves if we break any agreements to get us back on track.
The rest of these agreements don’t come naturally. The vast majority of people have never been a part of a group of people that operates this way. It will require accountability from all members of the group to each other to get them to be 2nd nature over time.
These are the basics
What I’ve outlined here (and gone in depth in with this series of posts) are basic principles and practices of healthy group interactions that, when agreed to and executed, will take your church or small group discussions to a place you’ve only dreamed about when you read your New Testament.
This is setting you up for success when you or anyone else wants to join a small group.
The rest of the posts in the Made For Circle series are here.